Do I really need help?
Sometimes it's easier to think that
nothing is wrong or that we can handle things on our own. We thought it would
be best to get a first hand account from someone who has been there, and Kerry
decided to share
the
story below.
Kerry’s Story
Looking back I can confidently recognise and pin-point the signs of when I
started to become ill with anorexia. At the time I did not realise or admit
something
was wrong. But deep down I knew things were not quite right in the way I behaved
or acted around food, family, friends, at school and at home.
I believe the symptoms first began to develop when I was around 13 and 14 years
old. I had a lot of pressures at home and at school. I was bullied and had lost
a close relative. I was also expected to get top grades and was a high achiever.
I was a very conscientious child- academic, creative, sensitive and always wanting
to please others. I was out going. I loved sports and excelled in all aspects
of life. I always strived to do better and was competitive within myself- a perfectionist.
All these traits seemed like positive assets of mine until they became overpowering.
I guess I became an ideal candidate for developing an eating disorder.
Initially I started to become very fussy around food. I became very health conscious
and cut out all manner of junk food which included sweets, cakes, chips, burgers,
sausages, etc. I even stopped eating red meat and some dairy products including
eggs. I had a range of “safe” foods that I allowed myself to have:
salads, fruit, vegetables, chicken, fish, cereals and rice. As time passed my
meal sizes and portions gradually decreased. I restricted myself from snacks
and eventually I completely left out meals.
Within a short time my behaviour and mood changed for the worse. I isolated myself
from family and friends and spent all my time tucked away upstairs in my bedroom.
I was extremely over sensitive and everything had to be perfect especially with
school coursework. I would spend hours on a piece of work that should have taken
only 20 minutes. I set unrealistic goals that proved futile and that left me
feeling worthless and a failure. I lost all confidence in myself and developed
low self-esteem. I had become depressed! I also became incredibly secretive and
deceitful. I made excuses not to eat and would always say “ Oh I’m
not hungry” or “ I’ve already eaten”. I even hid and
squirreled away food and would not eat around others. Thinking back it’s
quite shocking to recall the lengths I went to and the lies I told just to cover
my tracks.
I used to get worried and anxious over the littlest of things and was very emotional,
ratty and irritable around others. Friends who regularly invited me out gave
up on me and so I became lonely and miserable. The eating disorder became my
friend!
I changed a lot physically as well. I lost a lot of weight and had to use safety
pins to hold my skirt up. My periods stopped. My skin, hair and nails became
unhealthy and people started to comment on how skinny and ill I looked. I had
no energy, and was always tired and felt faint. I virtually starved myself. I
felt I had lost control of my life through various events and the only control
I had left was the control of my food intake. Controlling my food had become
my way of coping. Now I recognise that the anorexia was controlling me. Its power
over me grew as time progressed. As the years passed I found my eating disorder
was a way of everyday life. I became Kerry the Anorexic. I lost out on so many
opportunities and I certainly could not function to my full potential. I never
tried new things or took risks. I had no life.... instead of living I just survived
each day.
Over the years my eating disorder progressed more and became more detrimental.
I abused laxatives and developed bulimia along with the anorexia. I used the
illness to deal with my emotions and to cover them up. I was in and out of hospital
having operations because my kidneys did not function properly and I had to have
part of my bowel removed. At my lowest I even self-harmed and attempted suicide.
I would not wish this upon anyone and I believe if I had sought help earlier
then things would not have become so severe. It was not until I hit 30 that I
started to receive the help and treatment I so longed for and so deserved all
these years. Now I feel I have a new lease on life. I have regained control of
my life and it is a fantastic feeling knowing that now I can go out socially,
enjoying myself and trying new things. I have a new identity too. I’m Kerry
the friendly, out going, bubbly, funny and well liked person. Gone is the label
of the anorexic. I can cope differently without falling back into old habits
and targeting my food. I’m assertive in every day situations, confident,
and take things in my stride.
I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to seek help and advice if you
feel or even suspect something is not quite right. You should not feel afraid,
ashamed or embarrassed. It is an illness just like any other and it can be treated
with success. There is expert help and advice available. Everyone at NEDA is
non-judgemental, friendly and understanding...... Do not suffer alone or in silence!
Kerry
Please don't wait until things become serious. Call us to chat or email us about
how you feel. We are here to talk to you.
Helpline: 07868 186453
Email: youthteam@norfolkeda.org.uk